The Taming of Solitude

You may have heard of Virginia Woolf's essays called "A Room of One's Own, " where she speaks about the necessity of having a private space which women can call their own. Struck by  the literal meaning of the phrase and its underlying implications, I must say that the first time I heard it I found it deeply romantic,  and desirable. A space where one could be oneself , where one could structure time the way one likes, where one could explore one's resources and discover one's  potentials !  However I did not ponder about the flip side of the coin which amounts to solitude.

 When I eventually found myself in a room of my own, my predominant feeling was one of  panic! There was too much room, too much  echoing, empty space all around me. I did not know how to fill it up. It filled me up instead, invaded me, hollowed me out. 

 Have you observed  that when you are with family and friends time does not exist as an entity? It flows, and you only notice it because and  it has gone by. Now you are talking with your sister and now it's time to go,   in the evening you have an appointment with your boy friend, or lover and before you realize it's already midnight. However when you are alone time and space unmask themselves and terrify you with their strangeness. And you have to tame these beasts, otherwise they will chase you out of your house.  In the beginning this is exactly what they do, they bear their fangs, they open their maws, they roar. And you flee the house, call up friends, wander in the streets, drink innumerable teas in chai shops till exhausted you return to your den and curl up in a corner like a beaten dog.  

Imperceptibly though the pressure eases, you start staying more and more in your space because there is nowhere else to go, and because what the heck it's YOUR SPACE. You start looking around and discover that the nooks and crannies which held unnamed terrors are just nooks and crannies, and it is up to you to place whatever object you would like in them. You start breathing more easy. You stretch your limbs. You walk around tentatively  and then more boldly.  You even hum a little tune. You notice with pleasure that the winds howling inside your body have stopped making such a racket.You pull up a chair, put your feet up on a stool and read a good book, or watch a nice film, stroking solitude as you would a pet cat and hear it purr with contentment.

There are still times when your house turns into a den and the cat into a fearful tiger, but you have got used to these changes, and know that if you can wait it out the tiger will turn back into a kitten and the den into your home.

Arunima